3 minute read ★

This is one of the winning submissions for a writing contest conducted by Ping in 2018.

Note: The following is a parody and is meant to be taken lightly. Reader discretion is advised.

Okay. So, I joined this college, and they all came to me and told me, Mr. President, IIIT is not a good college. Do not join it. But all of that obviously was fake news. Just like Robert Muller’s witch hunt. What do they have to say for themselves now that I am getting a degree, that they can only dream of having. Once I get this degree, I can make that wall, and we can do stuff like hack into the Mexican government’s website, and Mexico will pay for the wall. Like, 100% paid by Mexico. That will be the greatest thing that any US president has ever done in history, like, ever.

Anyway, I came here, to IIIT, in Hyder-is-bad, and, to my surprise, I realized that US has so many problems similar to India. Like, in the US, these people called Indians keep pouring in, and taking our jobs. These people here, they have the same problem. So many Indians are there here too. And they are taking away the jobs of the wonderful people of India. That’s bad.But all hope is not lost. They have fake news like us too. Our CNN is their NDTV. But all hope is not lost. They have a channel here that I really like as well, it’s called, Republic; it reminds me so much of Fox News that I don’t feel homesick while watching it.

Enrolled myself in BSD. Learning the art myself!

Anyway, about the college. Did I tell you about my Electoral College victory? The greatest victory by any American president. That too over crooked Hillary. Anyway. The college here is fine. The people here are so nice. They remind me of my favorite chocolate. I import it from Belgium. Where I have a hotel. A beautiful hotel with an amazing view. Anyway, the people here are so nice, and the college, is beautiful, and green. If there is anything that I do not like, it is the fact that there are too many doggies, and too few pussies here for my liking. Not enough for me to play with. And the food. It reminds me of more things that US has in common with India. All their food, like, all of it, is Mexican. So much spicy Mexican food, we have over here.

And these people want a wall to separate them from Bangladesh. And Bangladesh will have to pay for it. Anyway, there is so much we can learn from these people. The people here study regardless of color. Back in the US, we neglect our white population, like a lot.

But there is, no discrimination here, none at all. These people, then they had so many activities. I won them all. Like, all of them. The ladies loved me, the males loved me. Of course, the alt left liberals, they all hate me. Like, totally, completely. The day passed too fast, and it was fun. Then the seniors came to me, and they wanted to talk to me too, they wanted to hear me sing, propose, dance, and even shake my ass. But unfortunately, they didn’t ask me to give them a golden shower. I love receiving them, but I can give them too. The people here love me already. All of them. I think they will love me more in the coming years too.

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Shahbaz Shaik

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Categories: Contest