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Disclaimer: This article is a satire. All characters and events are purely a work of fiction. All familiar statements are mere exaggerations. Resemblances are purely coincidental. Views and opinions in the article are made up and are intended for laughs. They do not represent the writers’ or editors’ views. The article also contains coarse language, possibly seen by some as distasteful. Reader discretion is advised beyond this point.

Clock strikes 12 and it’s time for Cinderella to leave, but it works the other way round at IIIT; here the “party” starts at 12! If you decide to go out on a stroll, or for WiFi (for the poor LANless souls), or to grab coffee, you’re bound to have walked past at least one of those girl-boy pairs. Or just pairs. Seems as if after a long, hard day of “work”, somehow 12 has become the appointed hour for the secret-not-so-secret rendezvous.

Come to the dark side, they say. Well, for those who like to come in the dark side, a popular place seems to be the foreboding academic buildings after dark. Perhaps the appeal of studying academics in the light and bodies after dark? Others like a nice romantic shag under the stars. And one wonders what secrets the benches at IIIT’s quieter road intersections hold – or rather, what secrets innocent pedestrians and drivers passing there have pretended to ignore.

And then again, gay couples are particularly privileged in this college. While the rest of them shiver and shudder under the cold and the mosquitoes, IIIT’s rainbow couples can enjoy the intimate, if rather cramped, comforts of a warm room. After all, what happens in the hostel stays in the hostel.

On the other hand, sometimes frustration just boils over. Or you just want to proclaim your love and the accompanying sounds to everyone within a ten-metre radius. We wondered what our college’s involuntary voyeurs had to say about it, so we conducted a series of candid interviews with a representative population of students.

Rohan Reddy
If you set out for a stroll at night, you’re bound to come across a couple on one of the benches.

There were some significant outlooks on PDA in college:

“Hell no! I’m also here.” 

Ah, the frustration of being (un)willing third wheel (or, perhaps, cog in the wheel?).

“Munh tod do saalo ka.”

Ah, the violent frustration of being the third wheel.

“I avoid the dark places, I prefer to stay in the light.”
That’s what Luke said. “I’ll never join the dark side!”

“Sometimes, when I’m sitting in the workspace, frustrated over the assignments, it’s a good distraction to watch people do their stuff.”

Did we say unwilling voyeurs? Our apologies.

“I have recorded videos of people making out.”
You better be careful in those open spaces now, couples!

And then there were views on other matters.

“Why wouldn’t the senior girls date any of the junior guys?”

Maybe they’re looking not to intimidate you.

“These deluded couples; oh look, they’re gonna hold hands now. (sarcastically) How cute!”

A wiser voice… or the grumpy old man?

“The girls in this college are so high-headed, thanks to the fucked-up sex ratio; they’ll lead you on as long as it’s convenient and then find another prospect to lead on.”

The poor unrequited lover.

The gender ratio on this campus. Bemoaned by feminists, heterosexual men and lesbian women alike, the 1:7 ratio of girls to boys provides a supply bottleneck – or does it? A popular complaint on this campus is that the working class have seized the means of production, and consumer complaints abound in plenty. Although, given the sheer number of single ladies on this campus, we wonder if perhaps our lady-lovers could benefit from broadening their horizons.

“We were always so discreet about our relationships; my roommate might as well have had been fucking for 2 years, and I wouldn’t even have found out!” An old voice from UG2K13 recalls. “And look at these kids, making out for all to see (and record?) at 2 fucking PM, as I walk towards class.”

UG2K15 seems to hold the record for most sexually active people, while UG2K14 was called the “tharki” batch. UG2K16, on the other hand, are known to “shoot for the stars”. We wonder if they use ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’ in the bedroom too?

Namit Sawhney
The ones in the center are the pseudos taking a nice romantic walk (“but it’s just a walk!”), the ones on the bench are the couple, and the ones behind the pseudos, are Jedi Knights (cos they’re celibate!).

Based on our entirely non-scientific sociological evaluation of the demographics in the college, we came up with the following social classes based on romantic fulfilments in the college.

  1. The couples; pretty much well known to us all – they’re dating and they can be found on those benches, and other dark spots.
  2. The pseudo-couples; perhaps the most interesting class in the college. These are the “couples” who are a couple for all practical purposes, but wouldn’t ever admit that they are. These are the funniest, most awkward group, and if not for them, who would me make fun of?!
  3. The single people who would make up about 69% (they wish) of the population.

The single people of this college carry a different set of tags:

  1. The indifferent complacents, well who gives a fuck. #SingleForever Poor lonely souls, I’d say.
  2. The heartbroken complacents, “I was in a relationship once….”  Well, sad.
  3. The cribbers, constantly whining about the lack of a love life but with the lack of real balls to ask him/her out.
  4. The wallflowers, they see and they hear everything, but do not partake (or do they?).
  5. The attention whores, they’re so desperate, they’ll go out with everyone, but end up with none (and this isn’t gender-specific!)

On a serious note: while IIIT-Hyderabad has a comparatively open-minded attitude with regards to love and romance, we still believe that our culture could be more open with regards to love, sex and romance. The stigma around openly being a couple, the unhealthily predatory attitudes of some parts of the male population with regards to women, and our ‘don’t-ask-don’t-tell’ view towards LGB couples – these are all aspects that we as a student body could work on. After all, wouldn’t we want to be known as the college where students work hard and party harder?

Note: This article was written in April 2017, and hence might not reflect the latest trends that may have emerged in college this semester.

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Atreyee Ghosal

Furious at the world and writing about it.

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Categories: Campus Affairs