Most of the trees on campus have been here for ages. Or at least, what feels like ages to young adults like yours truly. Every time you walk past them, it’s easy to wonder what exactly they’ve witnessed over the years. Maybe they’ve seen friendships spark during OJ lab misery and fizzle out during midsems. Perhaps they’ve overheard whispered promises at 2 AM and then, a semester later, listened to one-sided crying sessions under the same branches. They’ve been silent spectators to hurried breakfasts, frantic phone calls, surprise birthdays (sometimes accompanied by violence :p), and the occasional existential crisis about whether pursuing a dual degree was a good idea, all over the several decades they have been on campus. One of the things that is truly eternal, and (usually) never wavers, is love. Love, my esteemed readers, is said to be in the air more often these days. Countless hushed discussions and gossip have taken place on it. And as is tradition, gossip spreads faster than Moodle announcements. You can hear whispers floating across corridors. Someone saw someone else doing shady things at Lover’s Lane, when they said they’d be out for a walk alone. Someone noticed evidence of “safe sex” being practised in the workspace washrooms. Someone from A-block swears they saw a couple holding hands at 8 AM near the mess, which is either adorable or mildly suspicious because who is awake at 8?

So, like a true responsible journalist (and definitely not a single student procrastinating on endsems), the author has embarked on a journey of discovery. During the COVID-19 pandemic, epidemiologists the world over worked day and night to track the origins of the virus. In not a very different manner, I have traced this outbreak of romance in recent times to a singular super-spreader event – Prom. Data suggests that the current spike in public display of affection (also known as PDA, not to be confused with Push Down Automaton) is a lagging indicator of Prom. September was the incubation period. We saw the nervous proposals, the frantic borrowing of suits, and the awkward “will you go with me?” texts. Now, we are living in the aftermath. The couples who survived the “talking stage” post-Prom have now officially deployed to production. That one night of dancing in formal wear has cost the single population our peace of mind for the rest of the semester.

The Hotspots: A Heatmap Analysis

In the spirit of IIIT’s research culture (research that matters, after all), I have conducted a qualitative survey to identify the “High-Risk Zones.” And no, it definitely did not involve walking around awkwardly looking at my phone. Nope, not at all. Why do you ask?

• The Amphitheatre Steps: Once a place for cultural contemplation and practising performances, it has now become the unofficial adda for performative couples. The density of couples here is so high at times that if you trip, you will land in someone else’s relationship.
• The Felicity Grounds: This is the event horizon. The closer you get to the dark corners near the boundary wall, the more physics breaks down. Time slows, space ceases to exist, and the only inevitable truth is awkward actions.
• Workspaces: Ah, the good old home of UG-1 and sometimes 2. How could we forget, this is where it all begins, they come looking for WiFi, and leave with several types of connections.

So why the sudden spike right now? Scientists (my CND friends) suggest a strong correlation between the dropping temperatures and the rise in hand-holding. It is a simple thermodynamic principle: Conservation of Heat.

When the Hyderabad winter actually decides to show up, and the temperature drops below a bone-chilling 15°C, hoodies come out, and suddenly, walking alone seems inefficient. Why generate your own body heat when you can borrow someone else’s? We are an engineering college, after all.

The Plight of the Singles

For the uncoupled population, this epidemic presents logistical challenges.

1. The Eye-Contact Evasion: Walking to the mess now requires advanced pathfinding algorithms to avoid awkward eye contact with a couple having a “moment” on a bench you wanted to sit on.
2. The Noise Pollution: Sometimes, we are trying to debug a segfault. We do not need to hear “No, you hang up first” echoing through the Parijaat corridors. Please, for the love of all things holy, just hang up.
3. Resource Allocation: There are only so many scenic spots on campus. If they are all occupied by Prom survivors, where is a stressed student supposed to go to have their existential crisis? The server room? (Actually, that’s not a bad idea. It’s loud, and nobody can hear you cry).

A Mathematical Model

After observing the phenomenon (not always willingly), the authors propose the following mathematical model to explain the current state of affairs:

To use it, all terms should be put in with their SI units, of course.

Conclusion?

To the couples of IIIT-H: We get it. You’re happy. You have found someone who tolerates your smell during endsems. That is a miracle. Go ahead, hold hands. Just remember, while love may be eternal, the submission portal closes at 11:59 PM.

To the rest of us: Maybe the real love was the assignments we submitted along the way. Stay independent, young spirit.

IIIT Couples’ Bingo!

If you’d gotten through the entirety of whatever this article was, you might also enjoy a little game of bingo. Check off the box if it’s something you’ve seen happen on campus. Legend says that if you manage to get the entire thing done, you get a free JC treat from the editor of Ping!*

* Terms and Conditions apply.